Department of Sandwich Security (DSS)Official Threat Advisory Bulletin

(Unclassified – For Comedic Distribution Only)

By Michael Phillips

Sandwich Threat Levels

The Department of Sandwich Security (DSS) has developed a five-tier Sandwich Threat Advisory System to help citizens, lunchrooms, and rogue sandwich artists prepare for potential deli-based conflicts with federal law enforcement officers.

Level 1 – Breadstick Beige (Low Threat)

Minimal risk of sandwich-based hostilities. Most sandwiches in circulation are small, soft, and unlikely to cause serious harm. Common examples: PB&J, cucumber tea sandwiches, anything served at a corporate “wellness luncheon.”
DSS Guidance: Relax. Enjoy your lunch. If approached by a badge-wearer, offer them a triangle-cut half.

Level 2 – Pumpernickel Yellow (Elevated Threat)

Potential for mid-range deli disturbance. Likely weapons include croissants (crumb scatter hazard) and turkey wraps (whip-like trajectory).
DSS Guidance: Maintain sandwich awareness. Avoid sudden mayo-related movements.

Level 3 – Rye Orange (Significant Threat)

Notable risk of sandwich-to-agent contact. Includes large subs, triple-deckers, and any sourdough over 24 hours old. Could cause minor bruising or induce snack-envy in hostile parties.
DSS Guidance: If provoked, calmly place sandwich on the ground, step back slowly, and don’t make eye contact with the pickle spear.

Level 4 – Focaccia Red (High Threat)

Heavy bread density combined with aerodynamic filling placement. Includes chicken parm subs, meatball hoagies, and toasted paninis at maximum cheese viscosity.
DSS Guidance: Seek cover behind condiment stations. If hit, remain calm and avoid retaliating with a baguette without proper clearance.

Level 5 – Baguette Black (Severe Threat)

The highest threat level. Only declared when the potential for catastrophic sandwich strikes is imminent. This includes unsliced baguettes, ciabatta bricks, and artisanal loaves capable of breaking both spirits and noses.
DSS Guidance: Full riot gear recommended. Deploy countermeasures such as donut shields or pie interceptors.

Closing Reminder from DSS:
While sandwich-based projectiles remain a niche hazard, their emotional impact on morale, dignity, and uniform cleanliness cannot be underestimated. Stay alert. Stay crusty. And remember—once you go Level 5, there’s no going back to lunch.