ANNAPOLIS, MD — With Maryland’s $5.5 billion surplus torched faster than a government diversity retreat budget, and a $3 billion deficit looming like a Purple Line train that never arrives, Governor Wes Moore is in search of bold, transformational revenue ideas.
Because let’s face it—gas is taxed, groceries are taxed, rain is taxed (seriously, look up Maryland’s “rain tax”), and your will to live is next.
So in the spirit of bipartisan humor and sheer bureaucratic madness, MDBayNews humbly proposes these 10 exciting new taxes Wes Moore can introduce to make Maryland the most “equity-forward, financially backward” state in America.
1. The Breathing Privilege Tax™
If you’re emitting CO₂ without paying your fair share, you’re basically a domestic bioterrorist.
$14.99/month for unrestricted inhalation rights.
Bonus revenue if you jog.
2. Digital Eye Contact Fee
Made eye contact with someone on a Zoom call? That’s an intimate cross-screen interaction.
$1.25 per look, billed via Adobe Terms of Service you never read.
3. The “You’re Not From Montgomery County” Surcharge
Live in Washington County? Harford? Dorchester?
That’s cute. Now fork over $350/year for being one of the “non-decision-making citizens.”
4. The Background Noise Emissions Tax
Dogs barking, kids crying, or air conditioners running while you work from home?
New environmental soundscape penalty: $0.05 per decibel over the state’s “Equity Peace Index.”
5. Thought Crime Revenue Initiative (TCRI)
Thinking of disagreeing with a state mandate?
That’s dangerous ideology.
$75 fine if your Apple Watch detects “conservative stress levels.”
6. The Gender Reveal Confetti Excise Tax
Exploding blue or pink dust in a state park?
$2,000 per incident, plus a lecture from the Maryland Department of Intersectional Feelings and Forests (MDIFF).
7. Equity Footprint Rebalancing Fee™
If your personal income exceeds the median income of Baltimore’s 3rd Ward, a 3D-printed drone will deliver a notice titled:
“Your Excess is Our Oppression”
Pay 40% or surrender your backyard to the State Bee Farming Co-op.
8. State-Sanctioned Micro-Affirmation Mandatory Service Fee
Not smiling at your DMV worker?
Failed to say “your truth matters” to a fellow shopper?
That’s $18.50 per unkind aura.
Payment due before exiting the grocery store.
9. Internet Eye-Roll Recognition Toll
Thanks to a new partnership with TikTok and the NSA, Maryland will scan your face for sarcastic expressions while reading online government updates.
Each eye roll = $4.99
Double if you snort or mutter “sure, Jan.”
10. The Existential Dread Licensing Fee
Let’s be honest—you’re feeling it.
Maryland courts don’t enforce parenting time.
CPS can knock without warning.
Your taxes rise while your services vanish.
You wake up every morning thinking, “This can’t be real.”
It is. And now it costs $79/year.
Includes free subscription to The Maryland State Journal of Managed Decline™.
Honorable Mentions:
- Crying in Public Fine – Especially near government buildings. Optics, people.
- Unauthorized Smirking Penalty – Only Wes Moore can look that good doing nothing.
- Judicial Immunity Victim Processing Fee – You wanted justice? Ha. Here’s a pamphlet and a bill.
In Conclusion:
Maryland is no longer a state. It’s a subscription service you never signed up for, can’t cancel, and get punished for trying to understand.
And under Wes Moore’s visionary leadership, everything you do, think, say, or feel is subject to monetization. It’s bold. It’s equitable. And it’s completely unaffordable.
Stay tuned for our next expose:
“Wes Moore Unveils Tax Credits for Residents Who Pretend the Budget is Balanced.”
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