BALTIMORE, MD — In a bold move to ensure that every kale salad and rainbow flag sighting from Silver Spring to Bethesda is properly documented, the Baltimore Banner has announced it is expanding coverage to Montgomery County. Because apparently, covering one far-left stronghold just wasn’t enough.
The expansion was met with polite golf claps from NPR donors and suburban sociology majors across the county, who praised the move as “a step toward finally hearing more voices that sound exactly like ours.”
“We’re really excited to bring our unique brand of uncritical progressive echo chambering to the educated, affluent masses of Montgomery County,” said a spokesperson for the Banner, sipping an ethically-sourced oat milk latte through a paper straw. “We believe in covering the stories that matter—like how hard it is to find gender-neutral dog parks, and why capitalism is problematic unless it’s funding our non-profit.”
While local residents in Garrett County, Western Maryland, and much of the Eastern Shore waited in vain for similar expansion news, the Banner made it clear: “This is a values-based newsroom. And our values are your values—assuming you went to Swarthmore, hate straws, and use the word ‘late capitalism’ at brunch.”
Critics, however, were quick to point out that the rest of Maryland still exists. “It’s as if anything beyond the Beltway is a wasteland filled with uneducated savages and people who—gasp—own pickup trucks,” said one frustrated citizen from Washington County. “God forbid they cover a farmer’s water rights dispute or a small-town corruption scandal that doesn’t involve a diversity audit.”
A few disillusioned readers questioned whether the Banner’s latest expansion was journalism or simply a recruitment drive for the Church of Perpetual Outrage. “At this point,” said one Frederick County resident, “I’d be less surprised if they sent a team to cover yoga mat inequality before covering actual economic hardship in rural Maryland.”
Sources confirm that future Banner coverage in Montgomery County will include:
- A seven-part investigative series on microaggressions in co-op grocery stores
- Interviews with preschoolers who identify as future climate litigators
- And a hard-hitting opinion piece titled ‘Why Your Tesla Isn’t Woke Enough’
Meanwhile, folks in Southern Maryland were left wondering if they needed to form a commune of vegan anarchists just to get a journalist to cross the Bay Bridge.
Until then, the Banner remains committed to covering the only Maryland that matters: the Maryland where real estate agents have pronouns in their email signatures, plastic bags are war crimes, and the greatest threat to democracy is a Chick-fil-A opening too close to a Whole Foods.
Maryland Bay News will continue to cover the rest of Maryland—the parts where people drive to work, pray in public, own tools, and still remember what common sense journalism used to look like.
Stay tuned. Or don’t. We’re not funded by some hedge fund disguised as philanthropy.
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